Daily Journal

The reality is, when I finished doing Biggest Loser Season I, I never felt or looked better.  I came home confident and charged to continue on my journey to being the best me I can be.  And I did just that, for a while anyways.  You see, when I came home off the ranch in October of 2004, the Red Sox had just won the World Series and success was stinking us the air in Beantown, and knowing I had to face millions of people again in a few months, I wanted to make sure I looked DAMN good at the finale.  Thus, my life for the next three months as a single woman (until January 2005) went like this:

5:30 – 7:00am: Gym (1 hour of cardio, 30min strength training)

7:00 – 8:00am: Prep lunch for the day and get ready for work

8:00 – 5:00pm: Work (which required a lot of driving)

6:00 – 7:30pm: Gym (Cardio)

7:30 – 10:00pm: Dinner, unwind, in bed by 10pm

Now if you are keeping track, that is 3, trois, tres, drei, no matter how see or say it…yes I was working out 3 HOURS A DAY!!!!  This was because on the show I worked out an average of 10 hours a day and I knew my body would hit a wall with such a drastic drop in activity level once I was home.  So I got my exercise in where I could fit it in and it truly became the focus of my existence.  It became my focus because of fear and vanity.  Fear of what other people would say if I did not look exactly (if not better than) the way they remembered me on the show.  Fear of letting down all the women and men who believed in me and cry when they meet on the street thanking me for being relatable to their story and giving them the inspiration to change their own life.  Vanity because I knew I looked good and loved the stares, the flowers, the way I could flirt and hold a man’s undivided attention despite not wanting them at all.  It was all in the thrill of having confidence, sex appeal and owning them both.

Over the years a lot has happened in my world.  I became a global motivational speaker, teaching men, women, children, families, you name it about the importance of wellness as a whole.  I became a national spokes person for the American Heart Association doing national campaigns, Go red for Women, Stroke advocacy, minority wellness just to name a few.  I befriended people such as Darryl McDaniels (DMC of RunDMC), JoJo White of the Boston Celtics, just to name a few.  I hosted a radio show while simultaneously co-creating, co-producing and hosting a successful and sought after television magazine show with my now husband comedian Corey Manning.  In 2009, I became the director of nonprofit fitness center for less fortunate women and children.  I loved what I did, however it became parasitic for me.  I gave every ounce of being into this making grave sacrifices along the way.  I worked every day except Sunday (the facility was closed) from morning until about 10pm.  Yet, although worked at a gym, due to my work schedule I could never use it.  My free time consisted of sleep, budget reports for the club, and planning what was to be my wedding.  Things went in that very order.  Needless to say my wedding got postponed because I had nothing in place but the gym looked immaculate.  I became depressed, unhappy and unwilling.

A bad combination and a recipe for weight disaster: unhappy, unwilling, depressed…when you put the first letter of all three words together it kinda sounds like ugh (uud).  That’s exactly how I felt.  No more was a regimen in place.  I ate when I could and at night it was a quick fix because there was no energy o cook dinner at 10 at night.  Late night snacking became a constant as I did not go to bed until 2pm.  Exercise was obsolete as I was at work by 6 no later than 7 in the morning.  Although I did eventually change jobs, throughout the next two years, I would add a full-time MBA program, a full time job, planning a large destination wedding, becoming a wife and mom (step mom…I wish I could say “this is baby child”  but I can’t).  My shape no more, my perfect weight no more, although still confident the way I flirt with my fiancé and those precious moments no more.   Today I am lucky to get a workout in 3 time s a week never mind three hours a day.  Because I travel ( I mean on a plane and living out of hotels) 4 out of 5 days a week, it is hard to structure a meal plan.  It is hard, like evreything else we have to do in our day-to-day lives, but not impossible.  We/I need to find what works and make it work.  I have done just that.  It took some planning, tweaking, scrappng, giving up, and a few Hell no’s I am not going down this road again to finally say I need to be mentally be in control of me again.

So, what’s really no more…the excuses… I don’t have time today!  I can wait until Monday!  I will wait until I finish this class!  It’s too late!  Maybe this is how I am supose to be!  I need to practice what I preach and I am calling myself out on the matter!  I just had the wedding of my dreams in Tobago on July 17, 2010.  I married my best friend and the love of my life and we plan to be together for the rest of our lives.  In order to do this, I need to be in better shape physically and mentally.  As I said in my vows “you as my head and me as your neck, working together in supporting of one another in leading our family…”  I want to have beautiful healthy children, I want to continue to inspire and assist others making lifestyle changes.  And when it’s all said and done, I want to reflect on my life’s journey 60 years from now and say “yes I lead a fabulous life and have many wonderful fruits from my labor”. 

So today begins my getting back on the horse and turning myself around full circle.  I am not starting on Monday, because like tomorrow it just never comes.  I sat down at my computer this morning to check my email, just started writing and now here I am pouring out my heart and soul like I am at a confessional.  I guess I just want you all to know that weight loss is not easy and it will continue to be a roller coaster ride…if we let it.  I share myself with you for both selfish and selfless reasons.  Selfish in that this makes me more than just accountable to myself.  I am now accountable for my decisions and actions to you.  If I decide to go will nilly and eat something I am not supposed to, you will write back “why did you do that”.  Selfless in that I want you to share your journey with me as well so that we can all learn from one another and do this together.  I will keep an active exercise log and food journal, along with some healthy recipes, tips and tricks.  Please do not hesitate to share your favorites as well. 

So today back to reality begins my first journal entry…